Infertility: It brought me to my knees
May 12, 2017
Okay maybe you are like me and you don’t consider yourself a crier.
Hey I am a strong woman.
A solution focused woman.
If I want something, I go out and get it.
I like to say, no one will tap you on the shoulder and just give it to you, you need to go and get it.
Now I used this same approach when I was dealing with infertility.
I found out that I would never be able to conceive my own biological children.
I didn’t take any time to grieve.
I actually thought that other people had it worse than me.
The couples that struggle for years.
I thought, I don’t have to go through that.
I can just go to the infertility clinic and use donor eggs and that will be that.
However, since I’m a woman of action, I also have a major issue with patience.
I wanted to fast track the process.
I wanted to get pregnant right away.
Well the donor egg process takes time.
Back when I was going through infertility the donor profile came by mail.
So you can imagine the how slow this process was.
In the meantime, because I didn’t want to face my pain, sadness, panic.
I was busy planning my Plan B.
What if this didn’t work?
I would quit my job and force my husband to quit his and we would take a huge trip around the world.
I always needed an escape route.
I needed to protect myself, because if I really allowed myself to feel the torture of this wait, the torture of not having my own biological children,
I may just crumble and never get up again.
And that didn’t fit the view I had of myself.
I was a go-getter.
I was not weak.
I was strong.
A fucking rock!
I didn’t need anyone to lean on (except my husband).
And then during this process things were just taking too long.
All the doctor’s visits.
The donor profiles that didn’t feel quite right.
And I got scared.
What if this doesn’t work?
What if my plan doesn’t work?
What if I never have a child?
That’s when I decided the best thing would be to get dog.
Something that I could love, cuddle, kiss and look after.
I could practice being a mother.
I knew it wouldn’t be the same.
But it was something that would fill the void.
Now remember all along I had never cried.
Not one damn tear.
And then I told my husband that I wanted a dog.
And my husband who agrees with everything I have to say.
Not in a push over way either though.
We are just always on the same page.
I never saw it coming!
He told me he didn’t want a dog.
And that’s when I lost my sh#$
I remember sitting on the bed and crying like a complete lunatic.
Big ugly, snotty crying.
I wanted this dog.
I felt this little dog would fill the hole in my heart.
Finally my guard was down.
I didn’t need to be this perfect put together woman.
I was big messy puddle of vulnerability.
It shocked my husband, because if was so unlike me to get “all-emotional”.
But, I think he realized how hurt and wounded I was.
So yes we got a dog.
She went everywhere with us.
Her name was Sadie.
She was a beautiful little Bichon Frise.
She was such a little angel.
We were so worried how she would react when we brought home our daughter.
Would Sadie be jealous?
She was our first “baby”.
But she never was.
She passed away about 3-1/2 years ago.
I still talk to her.
Still look at her picture and video of her last days.
She was with me through my infertility journey.
She taught me about unconditional love.
About living in the moment.
Trusting my instincts.
Above all she taught me that everything was going to be okay.
Sarah Clark empowers couples to discover how lifestyle and diet can dramatically impact their chances of conceiving. She was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure at 28 and had both her kids with donor eggs. Not until years later did she discover that the root cause of her infertility was a food intolerance. Join the Free Fab Fertile Support Group on Facebook for mini-challenges, motivation and inspiration!